Drunken Dumpling Disasters
I was forced to make dumplings
For they were called for in the recipe
What an unmitigated disaster
So gluey, lumpy and stringy!
Too much water was perhaps the cause
Not nearly enough Atora
Thank f*ck for copious amounts of plain flour
Although I’ve annihilated the cupboards and floor – aargh
I was struggling to sleep
And had been watching too much TV
Damn that Tesco’s advert
And the Shitake Mushroom Stew Recipe
It looked so salivatingly divine
That I sped off to Conley Hatch Lane
To my 24 hour store
With this casserole ingrained in my brain
At 11pm at night
After having already had my dinner
So tempting looked this dish
I was certain it’d be a winner
I bought every variety of fungus on this earth
Each listed ingredient I could find
Including the most vital of all
An enormous bottle of good red wine
And hauled the loot all home
Very chuffed with my knackered self
That I could potentially now rustle up something decent
To shove in Moomin’s mouth
For she is here to visit
Just for a handful of days
In order to escort me to hospital
To meet with the surgeons who’ll operate
So hence the reason
I was determined to impress
Although I hadn’t bargained
On making this unholy mess
My hands all white
Crinkly and stiff
The entire kitchen
Like a snow-plough hitting a snow-drift
Flour aplenty
Sticky splodges in infinite supply
I cannot help but p*ss myself
As I to clean up in vain try
My fingers unavoidably sticking
To absolutely everything I touch
Yet instead of creating 8 little dollops
Of dough – I only have have half as much
Yup, just four little lumps
Of gooey, white, gloop
But, oh what a bloody laugh –
I’m having quite a hoot!
Perhaps because partly
I exaggerated the amount
Of vino needed for this disaster
The remainder going down my spout
But I couldn’t give a toss
For it’s taken my mind off tomorrow
So what if it tastes like sh*t?
At least I’ve had a break from the sorrow
And because Moomin loves me
I know she’ll swallow it all the same
Whether it’s nasty or nice
And whether the dumplings threaten to block up her drain.
Rachel Rhodes 