Suds Law

Oh, what a bloody palaver

At Crouch End Boots today

When a jobsworth got in a lather

And actually turned me away

For daring to try to buy

What she deemed contraband

Refusing to let me purchase

My all time favourite brand

Of L’Oreal Elvive

Colour Protect Shampoo

Because she told me it was NON-ESSENTIAL

Even though I’d queued

For almost HALF AN HOUR

After trying Superdrug first

But it was out of stock there

So to Boots did I revert

Since when was washing your hair

A flaming luxury?

Isn’t a scrub with shampoo?

Vital to keep it clean?

I’ll be utterly damned

If I’m going to be seen

With a barnet full of lard –

It’s basic human hygiene!

I don’t want to invite

A swarm of nasty fleas

To take up residence upon my head

Because it’s swimming in grease

And I’m pretty sure a virus

Could also potentially lurk

Amongst any filthy curls

You prize, Gestapo-esque berk!

I walked away in disgust

But I was boiling with rage

To have had my time wasted so

And to be sans mop-cleaner was a disgrace!

I decided to call the store

And speak to the manageress

Who totally got my plight

And understood my intense distress

She told me it was absurd

That her assistant was talking bollocks

She invited me to go back

A red rag to this shopaholic!

So vindicated off I trotted

To claim what was rightfully mine

Eager to once again have

Hair that gleamed and shined

The Gestapo was still on the door

And clearly under duress

She was lamenting to a customer

That she was experiencing rudeness

Well, I thought, that’s karma

What goes around does come around

What you give out do you get back

Engage your brain before you open your mouth!

I got my goods in the end

Though I was accused of pushing in

And ranted at by a lone old lady

But I took it on the chin

The important thing was that

I’d made a valid point

Consistency and common sense

Was lacking at this joint

Shampoo IS an essential item

And shouldn’t require a permit

We’ve a right to wash our hair

Because we’re bloody worth it!