Paindemic

A new pandemic

Is taking hold

The world’s gone beserk

Over Sourdough

An epidemic

Of tart tasting bread

You need a sledgehammer to slice

Being served it I dread

It’s chewy, it’s nasty

It tastes like turd

So heavy and dense

This obsession is absurd

And yet it’s everywhere

In every bakery and cafe

It’s very invention

Is a cause for dismay

No wonder they’ve named it

‘Sour’ / ‘dough’

You need wads of the latter to buy it

And may feel bitter if you don’t

Like a status symbol

It reeks of affluence

Accompanied with smashed avocado

Eating it suggests a gentrified stance

A plague du pain

A pain in the butt

I’m sorry if this irks you

But I cannot stand the stuff!

Fine, you may say,

Do not partake

If it was that simple

For sure another bread would I break!

But try finding granary

Or whole meal or soda

In a city besieged

With this poncy interloper

I’ve scoured every store

In the vicinity

For an alternative loaf

To no avail – what a liberty!

So I was forced to purchase

A slender baguette

Funded by taking out a second mortgage

Which of course I lived to regret

Not only did my knife

Warp, then falter and break

When I tried to cut it –

By morning it was stale!

So it went in the bin

And I went without toast

To eat with my homemade soup

What an utter joke!

Bread should surely be squidgy

Springy, buoyant and yum

Sweet yet savoury and moreish

And not cost an extortionate sum!

And what happened to having choices

As to what variety you can buy?

Why must we all conform

To the latest food fad that passes by?

Not everyone’s bloody tastebuds

Are exactly the same

Not everyone’s a slave to fashion

So please would you kindly refrain

From saturating the shops

And eateries with this crust

It’s like chomping on a piece chipbaord

And I refuse to bow down to this cult.

For The Record:

You don’t know me
You don’t own me
Still you project
This I detect

You’ve drawn conclusions
Over the years
Contorted delusions
That really hurt

I am not this person
You think I am
I am not demonic
Give me a chance!

There have been lies
There has been gossip
Distorted truths
And I’m sick of it!

It seems to me
Tales have been told
Things said in confidence
Revealed and sold

My trust has repeatedly been broken
By those I trusted most
The skeletons in my closet
Spread like wildfire, it’s a joke!

Gossip is rarely gospel
Rarely factual nor fair
How could I defend myself
If I was not there?

So although we’ve been estranged
For most of my warped life
You seem to know all the bad things
About me – it’s just not right!

You seem to have heard about my flaws
Know every ‘fault’ I possess
You tell me all about myself
Criticise me – I protest!

It seems I’m still the outsider
A pox on the family
Just because I am different
Just because I broke free

But this judgement I tried to escape
For my salvation and sanity
Yet still you seem determined to hate
And STILL you just do NOT know me!

Well, I won’t be dictated to
And I won’t be told what to do
For I do not give a f**k
About the same things as you

If the Matriarch cannot be trusted
To speak the facts and stick to the truth
If when my back is turned
My private opinions are fed back to you

And this volcano then sadly erupts
And our truce goes up in flames
If the tenuous bridge we have built
Buckles under this weight

Then at least I know that I tried
And gave this reunion my all
At least I won’t reproach myself
And drive myself up the wall

I am NOT who you think I am
I resent being played in this way
We seem to have both been pawns
In some twisted game

In a union that perhaps was a mistake
But one that could not be broken
‘Til death do us part’ was the oath
But in practice it caused a commotion

Toxic and dysfunctional
Unhealthy but powerful still
Magnetically drawn together
But to stomach, a bitter pill

And now we’re left in the ruins
Of what was once our home
All we can look to is ‘Moomin’
For Pappa has checked out of this zone

A loved but unreliable witness
Whose testimony cannot be verified
Too many omissions and forgotten memories
Too many God damn lies!

Why do you, mother, feel the need
To be evasive, to conceal?
Isn’t now the time for honesty?
Now that sh*t has just got real?

Has our Father, your husband!
Tragically died in vein?!
Was his sacrifice for NOTHING?
Jesus Christ, I feel ashamed!

For no one is whiter than white
We ALL may have blood on our hands
If this misunderstood, LONELY man
Hit the eject button – can you not understand?

I don’t know what else to say
But I think I’ve seen and heard enough
I feel like I’ve walked into a trap
And quite frankly I give up

Whispering in corners
Plotting in another room
Distracting me so I cannot see
Or hear your voices of doom

For Doomsday is indeed here
This really is The End
I really see no possible way back
It seems we can never be friends

So after the meeting I go
And leave the pair of you to it
I’ll happily again ostracise myself
Because in actual fact you both really blew it.