Gastric flu
I’m thrilled, thank you!
Had the runs for nearly a week
Sweaty and fatigued
Chronically nauseous
Looking far from gorgeous
Smited my chum
Who now also has a sore bum
Seems it’s doing the rounds
Knocking all of my friends out
Off the back of Torticollis
I’m beyond exhausted
It started with infected sinuses
When I contracted a virus – ick!
Which travelled into my wisdom tooth
Causing agony through the roof
Then it hit my flaming neck –
What the actual blooming heck?!
All the muscles did seize up
So the hospital had to dose me up
On diazepam and Valium
Thought I needed an asylum!
Hallucinating and tripping
(Which is definitely worse than sh**ting)
I’ve been in the 5th dimension
For what seems like a lifelong sentence
Fighting aliens and missing flights
Tripping my tits off day and night
For most of this month
I’ve been sick as a c**t
With the doctor on speed-dial
Oozing all kinds of bodily bile
Nothing much accomplished
All my projects abolished
Whilst I’ve fended off the grim reaper
No wonder no one thinks I’m a keeper!
Not sure if it’s just bad luck
Or my immune system is still f**ked up
But I sure have been bloody cursed
And couldn’t have felt very much worse!
What next for me now it’s almost September?
Find my voodoo doll and have it dismembered!
It has to be the cause of my woes!
I’ve dabbled in witchcraft so I know how it goes…
Someone’s upset
Wants me done in
They must have nicked
The contents of my bin
Found body parts
Strands of hair, clipped nails
Mixed them with wax
Then with pins impaled
My poor doll’s limbs
And probably my head
Til I’m suffering so much
I beg to be dead
I feel like Van Horne
When his coven wants him gone
Banished out of town
Never to return
But I never killed nobody
Nor did I get too horny
And impregnate anyone
It’s biologically impossible – come on!
Unless it could actually be
Some kind of past life thing
I must have once been bad
And my karma’s spitting mad!
Yikes, I’d better pay my dues
And I’d better do it pretty soon!
It’s pretty clear I won’t get well
Until the universe can definitely tell
That really I’m good
Maybe misunderstood
And I deserve to be fit
Not constantly stinking in my pit.
Rachel Rhodes 