August Horribilis

Gastric flu

I’m thrilled, thank you!

Had the runs for nearly a week

Sweaty and fatigued

Chronically nauseous

Looking far from gorgeous

Smited my chum

Who now also has a sore bum

Seems it’s doing the rounds

Knocking all of my friends out

Off the back of Torticollis

I’m beyond exhausted

It started with infected sinuses

When I contracted a virus – ick!

Which travelled into my wisdom tooth

Causing agony through the roof

Then it hit my flaming neck –

What the actual blooming heck?!

All the muscles did seize up

So the hospital had to dose me up

On diazepam and Valium

Thought I needed an asylum!

Hallucinating and tripping

(Which is definitely worse than sh**ting)

I’ve been in the 5th dimension

For what seems like a lifelong sentence

Fighting aliens and missing flights

Tripping my tits off day and night

For most of this month

I’ve been sick as a c**t

With the doctor on speed-dial

Oozing all kinds of bodily bile

Nothing much accomplished

All my projects abolished

Whilst I’ve fended off the grim reaper

No wonder no one thinks I’m a keeper!

Not sure if it’s just bad luck

Or my immune system is still f**ked up

But I sure have been bloody cursed

And couldn’t have felt very much worse!

What next for me now it’s almost September?

Find my voodoo doll and have it dismembered!

It has to be the cause of my woes!

I’ve dabbled in witchcraft so I know how it goes…

Someone’s upset

Wants me done in

They must have nicked

The contents of my bin

Found body parts

Strands of hair, clipped nails

Mixed them with wax

Then with pins impaled

My poor doll’s limbs

And probably my head

Til I’m suffering so much

I beg to be dead

I feel like Van Horne

When his coven wants him gone

Banished out of town

Never to return

But I never killed nobody

Nor did I get too horny

And impregnate anyone

It’s biologically impossible – come on!

Unless it could actually be

Some kind of past life thing

I must have once been bad

And my karma’s spitting mad!

Yikes, I’d better pay my dues

And I’d better do it pretty soon!

It’s pretty clear I won’t get well

Until the universe can definitely tell

That really I’m good

Maybe misunderstood

And I deserve to be fit

Not constantly stinking in my pit.