August Horribilis

Gastric flu

I’m thrilled, thank you!

Had the runs for nearly a week

Sweaty and fatigued

Chronically nauseous

Looking far from gorgeous

Smited my chum

Who now also has a sore bum

Seems it’s doing the rounds

Knocking all of my friends out

Off the back of Torticollis

I’m beyond exhausted

It started with infected sinuses

When I contracted a virus – ick!

Which travelled into my wisdom tooth

Causing agony through the roof

Then it hit my flaming neck –

What the actual blooming heck?!

All the muscles did seize up

So the hospital had to dose me up

On diazepam and Valium

Thought I needed an asylum!

Hallucinating and tripping

(Which is definitely worse than sh**ting)

I’ve been in the 5th dimension

For what seems like a lifelong sentence

Fighting aliens and missing flights

Tripping my tits off day and night

For most of this month

I’ve been sick as a c**t

With the doctor on speed-dial

Oozing all kinds of bodily bile

Nothing much accomplished

All my projects abolished

Whilst I’ve fended off the grim reaper

No wonder no one thinks I’m a keeper!

Not sure if it’s just bad luck

Or my immune system is still f**ked up

But I sure have been bloody cursed

And couldn’t have felt very much worse!

What next for me now it’s almost September?

Find my voodoo doll and have it dismembered!

It has to be the cause of my woes!

I’ve dabbled in witchcraft so I know how it goes…

Someone’s upset

Wants me done in

They must have nicked

The contents of my bin

Found body parts

Strands of hair, clipped nails

Mixed them with wax

Then with pins impaled

My poor doll’s limbs

And probably my head

Til I’m suffering so much

I beg to be dead

I feel like Van Horne

When his coven wants him gone

Banished out of town

Never to return

But I never killed nobody

Nor did I get too horny

And impregnate anyone

It’s biologically impossible – come on!

Unless it could actually be

Some kind of past life thing

I must have once been bad

And my karma’s spitting mad!

Yikes, I’d better pay my dues

And I’d better do it pretty soon!

It’s pretty clear I won’t get well

Until the universe can definitely tell

That really I’m good

Maybe misunderstood

And I deserve to be fit

Not constantly stinking in my pit.

Penned In

Lockdown may have eased

But life still ain’t a breeze

Working from home

Too much time spent alone

Theatres still closed

Miss gigging and fellowes

Bars are a bore

Dining out too frequently is a chore

Wish life would return to normal

Distractions pass the time infernal

Seems then there’s less time to think

About stuff I’m unsatisfied with

I was on the cusp of big changes

Moving cities, careers, rearrangement

But that’s now on hold for the foreseeable

And feeling trapped just isn’t agreeable

I’d like to really shake things up

A fresh start to change my luck

This old routine is wearing thin

I need new stimuli to immerse myself in

Crooking my neck didn’t help

It really made me yelp

Still sadly can’t swim

Or go to the reopened gym

I’d love to see a live show

Rock to a band with friends in tow

I feel like running away

But with all these restrictions in place

It’s a tricky time to skip town

Start a new life when Covid’s around

I’ve tried astral projection

To access different dimensions

It doesn’t work for me

Can’t quite leave my body

The rocket I have in my back yard

Is still lacking a suitable launch pad

Or I’d blast myself off to Mars

Whilst whizzing past galaxies of stars

I’ve written a bloody book

So it’s not like I’ve been sat on my butt

I’m working albeit part-time

I’m just sick of being confined

In isolation – perhaps I need a cat

But that would require installing a flap

My landlord would flip

He’s a bit of a tit

He already pinched my table and chairs

So a feline would make him spit hairs

What is a girl to do?

Who thrives on poetry and performing too?

I’ve already been on my hols

Now I’m back staring at these four walls

I miss being at the clinic

Giving reiki and all things holistic

It’s still not legal to practise

Too risky should someone contract this

Virus that has changed the planet

Beyond recognition and we’re struggling to manage

I know I’m not the only one in despair

But I can only speak for myself to be fair

How will it end?

Can’t keep going round the bend!

Something’s got to give

We’re all entitled to live

As free as a bird

We’re not sheep in a herd

Living in a pen

To be rounded up by Shep

Chomping on grass

Growing lazy and fat

In a human farm

There’s no apparent escape from.

Know Yourself


But not wiser

Got experience

But not common sense

I stagger through life

Rarely sailing

It’s just an observation –

I ain’t complaining

Doesn’t matter

How many years you clock up

It’s still entirely possible

To go off the rails and f**k up

Or is that simply living?

Sometimes that shit is so unforgiving!

You find yourself

Climbing a rock face

A jagged wall

And you’re in a bad place

You have the highs and then the lows

Guess it’s how you deal with the blows

Do you go crazy

And hit the bottle?

Or confront your fears?

It’s such a test of your metal

Fending off your emotions

Being strong

Isn’t easy to do

When things are going wrong

When you’re off kilter

You’re vulnerable

That’s when you’ve got to remember

This shall pass, so hold on

You’ve got to always keep

Your eye on the ball

Read the signs

Don’t sugar coat it all

Not everyone’s going

To be honest with you

Not everyone’s intentions

Are pure and true

Some just want

A shoulder to cry on

Some want what they can get

So don’t be in denial

Register the red flags

Take heed of what they say

They’ll just get bigger

If you keep driving that way

Change direction

When you hit a road block

Don’t wait for rejection

Take the bull by the horns

Why should everyone get

What they want but not you?

Time to put yourself first

And to yourself be true

Hold a little bit back

Keep your options open

Don’t sedate yourself

Until you numb your emotions

Unless we feel

We can’t function right

You’ve got to be sensitive

To what’s going on inside

Know yourself

And the rest will follow

Your intuition should be

Fierce not hollow

Your guiding light

When you’re in the dark

Use your brain

But listen to your heart

If it doesn’t resonate

It isn’t for you

You can’t force fate

So rewrite the rules

Change your course

Toss the deadwood away

Lighten your burden

And seize the new day

Because if you wake up

You’ve got a clean slate

Another chapter to write

So don’t hesitate.

Shelf Life

Some might say I’m lucky

Some might say I have it all

Some might say I’m free

At no one’s beck and call

Sure I can do

What I want

Stay out late

No one waiting at home

But I’ve been given enough rope

To hang myself with

Too much of a good thing

Isn’t the way I want to live

I want someone to worry

I want someone to wait up

I want someone to give a shit about me

Reign me in when I’m acting up

I want someone to have my back

Walk with me along this road

A partnership is what I lack

I want someone to share the load

I’m not needy

I’m independent

I can provide for myself

But being solitary is relentless

For too long now

I’ve had to be strong

And I’m weary of it

I crave a hand to hold

Don’t think me weak

For being honest

We all thrive on love

There’s just not enough of it

The single life

Long ago

Lost it’s charm –

I want to build a home!

With someone who

Will compliment

This life I’ve built

Because I’m almost spent

And some TLC

Wouldn’t go amiss

Someone to hold

To hug and kiss

Freddie nailed it

In his song

“Can anybody

Find me someone

To love?”,

Because I’m full of the stuff

I just don’t know what to do with it

And it’s tough

Guess I’ll put it in storage

Along with my hopes and dreams

Keep waiting for something to materialise

Keep the faith and see if it peace brings

But I can’t wait forever

For that deadline has actually passed

Now I’m into eternity

Or rather purgatory, what a laugh!!!

The littlest hobo

All by myself

Putting on a front

That all is well

When inside I’m actually

Throwing a tantrum

Bound in chains

Trapped in a vacuum

Devoid of passion

And intimacy

Completely boxed in

Yearning to be free

To express

That side of myself

That is beyond ready

To get the f**k off this shelf!!!

The Stepping Stone

So I briefly let you in

Thought that I could win

The heart of someone new

The door was open and you walked through

So I let my guard down

Fell under your spell and hung around

Spent the night together

Cause you made me feel special

But then the morning came

And I had to vacate

Go back to reality

That’s when you said goodbye to me

For the last time

Though it was the first time

You walked away

No more to say

It now feels like a dream

Did it happen, was it real?

Were you a figment of my imagination?

Cause you ain’t given no explanation!

And so the story ends

No more to say, not even friends

The hours we shared, they went so fast

In the blink of an eye, it wasn’t meant to last

I’m not sorry but I feel pain

Seems you lied and it was all in vain

A pretty facade, a glam smoke screen

And then you vanished right off the scene

Ha! I should’ve been wiser

I’m not young anymore – should’ve recognised that

You were out to have some fun

No intention of investing in someone

For more than an evening

So let’s be realistic

I was had and although I’m mad

I won’t let this break me and make me sad

Cause I’m better than that

And you’re the one that lost out

I’ve got so much to give

The life is good that I live

You didn’t get to know me at all

You scratched the surface – we had a close call

I was spared cause something better’s to come

And you were just a stepping stone.


Flying fuckers

With a sting in their tail

In the dead of night

Do they prevail

Rampant hunters

Hungry for blood

They seek out body parts

And annihilate them good

Piercing your skin

Until it itches and swells

Weeping puss

Irritating as hell

Clusters of bumps

All over the place

Sometimes on your arse

Even on your face

How do they crawl

Into every nook and cranny?

Their desire to feed

Is alarming and uncanny

Buzzing around

Like kamikaze assassins

Flying vampires

Vile and nasty

A pleasant evening spent

Down by the lake

Making merriment

Until you awake

To find yourself covered

From head to toe

In massive, throbbing welts

That cause you much woe

Angry and sore

You scratch until they bleed

It’s the only way

To get a reprieve

Oh to exterminate

The disgusting shits

Oh to wipe them off the face of the earth

For making me itch

What purpose do they serve?

Except to bring misery?

When they descend on you en mass

Whilst you sleep

I’ve tried lavender oil

Tea tree and citronella

But nothing can extinguish

The prickliness of these fellas

You can try to swot them

And watch them splatter

But there’s plenty more where they came from

So it’s a pointless battle

They outnumber us

In the summer months

Oh how I despise mosquitos

The airborne little cunts.