The Hunger Games

Should I become vegan?

Or should I become veggie?

Or maybe pescatarian?

The possibilities make me edgy

Everyone you ask

Tells you something different

It seems all food is bad

That’s the only thing that’s consistent

Don’t eat dairy

Don’t eat meat

Don’t eat soya

Don’t eat wheat

Oats are bad

All cereals are junk

Nuts can be lethal

Pulses gunk

Have sugar at your peril

It truly is the devil

Avoid alcohol at all costs

Even fructose can get lost!

Caffeine is totally out

As if you were in any doubt

Just water or herbal tea

As you feel yourself stifling a scream!!!

Fill up on probiotics

Powders, potions, tinctures and tonics

If you want to be bionic

Deprivation is key so get on it!

And ensure that what you buy

Is organic or you will fry

In hell (aren’t you in there already?)

As these rules render you batty and unsteady

In the supermarket

You’re deranged

Everything’s toxic

You go insane

Scrutinising the labels

But the print’s so f**king tiny

You can’t decipher it with glasses

Alas, you give up trying

And all the while you’re ravenous

About to eat your own face

You need some sustenance now!

A cafe seems the sensible place

But then you become that person

Who’s totally and utterly neurotic

That gives the poor waiter a migraine

Because the menu has nothing on it

That you are permitted to have

On your restrictive diet

Unless the chef takes extreme measures

To cater for your preposterous requirements

Like he has the time!

Or really can be arsed!

His blood pressure must be sky high!

Its absurd beyond a farce!

What to do?

I hear you exclaim?!

Literally EVERYTHING’S forbidden

Please someone explain?!

What’s happening to the world?

I reluctantly admit defeat

I’m exasperated, nigh emaciated

Can’t practise what they preach!

Are the food police truly, really

So holier than thou?

Do they honestly rigidly stick

To such regimes – I mean tell me HOW?!

They surely can’t be human

They must be undercover ETs

They mustn’t have to work to do

They certainly DON’T f***ing eat!

Is this horse sh*t really a ploy?

By them to exterminate us all?

For they’ll wipe us out, I have no doubt

Unless we them can foil

They’re traumatising us to the point

That we’re all nearly foodaphobic

Soon we’ll only dare to consume fresh air

And eventually expire from it

Beyond anorexic

Bulimic and such

A pandemic of eating disorders

It really is too much!

Don’t listen (unless you’re allergic)!

Devour what you like!

Screw the consequences!

Tell them all to take a hike!

Ignore this flamin baloney!

In your arse it’s a royal pain!

And leave the malnourished ‘Martians’

To their heinous hunger games.