Should I become vegan?
Or should I become veggie?
Or maybe pescatarian?
The possibilities make me edgy
Everyone you ask
Tells you something different
It seems all food is bad
That’s the only thing that’s consistent
Don’t eat dairy
Don’t eat meat
Don’t eat soya
Don’t eat wheat
Oats are bad
All cereals are junk
Nuts can be lethal
Pulses gunk
Have sugar at your peril
It truly is the devil
Avoid alcohol at all costs
Even fructose can get lost!
Caffeine is totally out
As if you were in any doubt
Just water or herbal tea
As you feel yourself stifling a scream!!!
Fill up on probiotics
Powders, potions, tinctures and tonics
If you want to be bionic
Deprivation is key so get on it!
And ensure that what you buy
Is organic or you will fry
In hell (aren’t you in there already?)
As these rules render you batty and unsteady
In the supermarket
You’re deranged
Everything’s toxic
You go insane
Scrutinising the labels
But the print’s so f**king tiny
You can’t decipher it with glasses
Alas, you give up trying
And all the while you’re ravenous
About to eat your own face
You need some sustenance now!
A cafe seems the sensible place
But then you become that person
Who’s totally and utterly neurotic
That gives the poor waiter a migraine
Because the menu has nothing on it
That you are permitted to have
On your restrictive diet
Unless the chef takes extreme measures
To cater for your preposterous requirements
Like he has the time!
Or really can be arsed!
His blood pressure must be sky high!
Its absurd beyond a farce!
What to do?
I hear you exclaim?!
Literally EVERYTHING’S forbidden
Please someone explain?!
What’s happening to the world?
I reluctantly admit defeat
I’m exasperated, nigh emaciated
Can’t practise what they preach!
Are the food police truly, really
So holier than thou?
Do they honestly rigidly stick
To such regimes – I mean tell me HOW?!
They surely can’t be human
They must be undercover ETs
They mustn’t have to work to do
They certainly DON’T f***ing eat!
Is this horse sh*t really a ploy?
By them to exterminate us all?
For they’ll wipe us out, I have no doubt
Unless we them can foil
They’re traumatising us to the point
That we’re all nearly foodaphobic
Soon we’ll only dare to consume fresh air
And eventually expire from it
Beyond anorexic
Bulimic and such
A pandemic of eating disorders
It really is too much!
Don’t listen (unless you’re allergic)!
Devour what you like!
Screw the consequences!
Tell them all to take a hike!
Ignore this flamin baloney!
In your arse it’s a royal pain!
And leave the malnourished ‘Martians’
To their heinous hunger games.
Rachel Rhodes 