Traumas At Toni & Cry

Hair raising times

At Toni & Guy

Went in for highlights

But now I could cry

They persuaded me to go

For a whole new look

“Try balayage!”

But they totally f**ked it up

Now it’s gone all sludgy

With lashings of mud and grey

They left me bloody speechless

But what the heck could I say?

They saw my face

I was mortified

Though I stifled my tears

I could’ve really cried

“Come back next week!

We’ll bleach it, make it right”!

But how do you trust

A crimper that’s shite?

They said he was the best

In the whole salon

Well, he must be colour-blind

He got it so wrong!

I legged it out the door

Down to Trevor Sorbie

They plied me with Prosecco

When they heard my horror story

Said that they could fix it

For £350 quid!

So I downed another glass

Then fled and bloody hid

I’ve never liked the mop shop

Had so many disasters

It’s worse than going to the dentist –

I’m raging in the rafters!

Sobbing into my soup

Wearing a beanie hat

I can never take it off

Or go out and that’s a fact!

So I’m going to retire

And become a proper recluse

Until I’m old and bald

And no longer have hair to do.



My Kryptonite

I see your face

My knees go weak

My kryptonite

I struggle to speak

How it excites me

When you are close by

I can’t let you go

Not even gonna try

The scent of you

Really turns me on

Your delicious skin

When we are one on one

I think of you

When we are apart

No matter how far

Always in my heart

Through thick and thin

We still remain

I’ll take the pleasure

And even the pain

Even your mood swings

Don’t put me off

They’re so James Dean

I have to laugh

Cool and sultry

With a little dash of fire

It makes me nervous

Though I pulse with desire

Your genius mind

Your silly jokes

You’re my best friend

I love you so x

The Money-Go-Round

The merry-go-round of money

The things that people do!

It all comes down to money

It sucks but this is true

Everything has a fee

And it’s costs just to be alive

From cradle to grave we consume

And even basic needs have a price

The clothes we wear

The water we drink

The food we eat

The kitchen sink

The travel to work

The roof over our heads

Entertainment and hobbies

Thus we spin in our beds

It’s all a bloody madness

This ebb and flow of cash

It can make or break civilisations

Cause suicides, murder en mass

Wars are fought

And crimes committed

People seduced

Jailed, embittered

Gambling’s rife

If you don’t have enough

Some win, some lose

For this game’s really tough

This rollercoaster ride

The currency of life

Makes you high, makes you low

Makes you have sleepless nights

So unpredictable

You celebrate or seethe

Everything is taxed

Save the air that we breathe

But with all the pollution

Surely it’s only a matter of time

Before they take ownership of that

And sell it back to us ‘cleansed’ of grime!

You have to laugh

You really do

Having to pay to wipe your arse

When you go to the loo?!

Even bog roll ain’t free

As aren’t tampons and the like

And every financial year

Do they the prices hike

The ‘cost of living’

Ever rising with inflation

The powers that be

A veritable conflagulation

“Spend your money!

Sell your incarnation!

Work to earn a crust!”

They preach with exultation

Then when you’re old and grey

And totally clapped out

You finally kick the bucket

And they charge you to be thrown out!

Oh, how my blonde mind boggles

It really doesn’t make sense

The way this silly world quibbles

Over every pound and pence

Eradicate the stuff!

It’s evil, do say I!

Surely we were born to dance

Not to barter, sell and buy!

Everything we need

Was given to us by ‘God’

So how can you put a price on this Earth?

And it’s contents, you silly sod?

Did you create this land?

The animals, plants and trees?

They sun and sky above?

The oceans, lakes and streams?

Of course you didn’t, you prat

But you’ve claimed it for your own

And now you preside over it

From upon your gilded throne

Well a throne is but a perch

And can be fallen off

And one day I hope you’re toppled

If enough of us get cross!

Blue January

The bleak side of Christmas
January blues
Finances pinched
Tax returns loom

A lack of sun
Everything grey
Long dark nights,
Freezing, soggy days

Winter lurgies
Harsh and unpleasant
Bugs, colds, flu
Honey and lemon

Sweating buckets
Lying in bed
Shivers and tingles
Banging heads

Drinking fluids
Fortified soups
Daytime TV
Endless soaps

Time off work
But no fun to be had
Vegetating profusely
Feeling wretched, beyond bad

New Year’s resolutions
Of keeping fit
Parked for now
Until we no longer feel s**t

Roll on February
And the elusive Valentine
Who’ll send us roses
And ply us with wine

Smother us in chocolate
And lick it all off
We can but dream –
As we sneeze, splutter and cough!


Red Flag

She is lunar
She waxes and she wanes
Her cycle like the moon
Mystical power she contains
Her moods like the tide
Changing day by day
Hormonally riding
The crests of these waves
Encounter her at the beginning
And enticing is she
Beguiling to be around
Inside her he wants to be
Yet lo, when the heat has cooled
She wants to be alone
Her claws may come out
If he should get too close
Inward she turns
To examine how she feels
Deep into her psyche goes she
And neon are her dreams
Then comes the flow
A clearing oft with pain
She needs to be nurtured
Sheltered from the crimson rain
So shower her with love
Or leave her, blessed be
Now is the time to retreat
Replenish her energy
Whatever you do, don’t wave
A red flag in her face
She may not be a bull
But this cow can rage and chase
Beware the wild woman
Disturbed from her meditative state
Gode her at your peril now
Avoid encountering the grimmest fate
For this dazzling Goddess can turn
In the blinking of an eye
Akin to the Preying Mantis
Devouring her guy
‘Til nothing else remains
Save for the memory
Of their encounter in her mind alone
For exist no more would he.

Everything But…


Packing to go away

The bain of my life

A middle class disaster

Causing me untold strife


Clothes strewn asunder

Can’t see the floor

The bed nor the chair

Can’t even open the door


What outfits to take?

How many pairs of shoes?

Can I live without my protein spray?

Straighteners and moose?


Toiletries weigh a ton

Perfume and deo too

Haven’t packed my undies yet

And conditioner and shampoo


My chum will be lucky –

We’re sharing a case

But what with the kitchen sink

There’s barely any space!


She stipulated ketchup

And I reckon maybe if I’m clever

I can squeeze in some sachets

But a whole bottle? Never


We split the extortionate cost

Of taking proper luggage

Almost the price of the ticket

What a load of rubbish


However it seems

She’s due a rebate

I’ll never fill just half

At this bloody rate


Just can’t travel light

I’m a freakin nightmare

10 flaming kilos

Just on products for my hair!


Then there’s the slap

Jewellery and slippers

And don’t get me started

On the spare pairs of knickers


A skip would be more apt

And a truck to transport

Fingers crossed the plane takes off

With all this crap that I’ve brought


I blame the snake

Who shamed Adam and Eve

Into covering their bits

Instead of allowing them to dangle free


Clothes are an impediment

When you’re a kleptomaniac like this

Next time I’ll holiday in a nudist camp

And bugger the baggage – what bliss!



Some people are better off together
But we’re better off apart
It doesn’t mean I don’t love you
But you’re always breaking my heart

You refuse to let me in
Only briefly, but it never lasts
You close yourself to me
For you can’t escape your past

I’m in awe of you as you know
But you’re hurting and this you can’t hide
So your numb yourself every day
To ignore what’s really inside

You run away from yourself
For you hate who you really are
But this pain therein needs to heal
For your beauty lies in your scars

You need to love yourself
Or you’ll sicken and eventually die
I’ve tried to make you better
But you’re draining me all the time

You need to give something back
As I’m weakening every day
I can’t sustain the two of us
If all you do is take

If I’m to stay
You need to change
And meet me at least half way

We must say goodbye
For as things are I cannot stay.