Traumas At Toni & Cry

Hair raising times

At Toni & Guy

Went in for highlights

But now I could cry

They persuaded me to go

For a whole new look

“Try balayage!”

But they totally f**ked it up

Now it’s gone all sludgy

With lashings of mud and grey

They left me bloody speechless

But what the heck could I say?

They saw my face

I was mortified

Though I stifled my tears

I could’ve really cried

“Come back next week!

We’ll bleach it, make it right”!

But how do you trust

A crimper that’s shite?

They said he was the best

In the whole salon

Well, he must be colour-blind

He got it so wrong!

I legged it out the door

Down to Trevor Sorbie

They plied me with Prosecco

When they heard my horror story

Said that they could fix it

For £350 quid!

So I downed another glass

Then fled and bloody hid

I’ve never liked the mop shop

Had so many disasters

It’s worse than going to the dentist –

I’m raging in the rafters!

Sobbing into my soup

Wearing a beanie hat

I can never take it off

Or go out and that’s a fact!

So I’m going to retire

And become a proper recluse

Until I’m old and bald

And no longer have hair to do.