Red Alert!

Panic stations all around

Out of bed like it’s on fire

Going to Marrakesh in 9 days

And my passport has expired!

Working full time

Easter in between

Only one working day

To go and see the Queen

Tried to sort it all online

Computer says bloody ‘no’

Battling to wake up sans caffeine

But to the post office I must go

Thanking f**k

It’s actually open

Now it’s been privatised

In this case

Flogging it off

Is actually saving lives

Grabbed a form in a frenzy

Blurted out my dilemma

Fortunately the guy on the counter

Helped me keep my s**t together

Panic not, the form’s really easy

Renewal the simplest option

Now get yourself to Snappy Snaps

For some mugshots for identification

Well, I look so rough I want to cry

But time is of the essence

Not enough for slap and a blow dry

When there’s no time like the present

So off I pop with under eye bags

And creases on my face from sleep

I look so rotten I terrify children

As I hurry down the street

She takes my pics in a flash (lol)

This camera sure as hell better lie!

The wrinkles I’ve acquired since the last

Are so savage I want to die

With limp bed hair

And puffy cheeks

I may need a counter-signatory

The girl in the original

Passport shot

Undetectable in the older horror story

I pay the bill all the same

And shuffle off out the shop

I blame the photographer for causing me pain

Not the fact my hair’s like a mop

Not the fact I’ve aged

Well, it has been ten flipping years!

Guess I should consider Botox

And wipe away my tears

Anyway I’m lucky

For I live in the smoke

And Her Maj has a free appointment

On the one day I can actually go!

So I’ve completed the form

As careful as can be

Stumped up the dosh

So the country I can flee

Thus this catastrophe

Has a seemingly happy ending

And I can face my mum

Without having lost all the money we’re spending

On a mini trip of a lifetime

For how flaming would she be?

If we’d paid but couldn’t go in the end?

Because of a ditsy dumb ass like me?!