The Volatile Vegan

A Volatile Vegan

Abused me today

I have nothing against Vegans

Unless they rain on my parade

This Volatile Vegan

Clever thought she were

When she grabbed me by my collar

To check it if it was fur

Upon deciding it was

She regarded me with disgust

Let go like it was on fire

And strutted off proud of what she had ‘sussed’

Her eyes literally filled

With vitriol

She spun on her heel

After piercing my soul

The silent venom

She injected me with

Could melt lead into liquid

Even with just one drip

I was made to feel

Like I’d skinned something alive

In actual cold blood

Then worn it with pride

I wouldn’t mind

But this actually happened

Not near a PETA protest

But at work in Stratford

Extreme behaviour

That was utterly out of place

Judgemental and self righteous

And totally in my face

If you are vehemently Vegan

Don’t inflict your views on me

Your beliefs belong to you

And don’t give you the right to preach

How dare you actually

Invade my personal space?

Grab hold of my clothing

Pass judgement, spread hate?

Look down on me

With intense disdain

Act satisfied and smug

That you’ve inflicted pain?

You ought to be ashamed

Yet you take the moral high ground

Thank God I’m not like you

A condescending b***h with an axe to grind.

Friggers Of Speech – Gig – Tuesday 26th March @ 8pm – Downstairs At The King’s Head, London, N8

Dear All
Live poetry & spoken word is back in Crouch End – Downstairs at the Kings Head!
Friggers of Speech – Crouch End’s favourite live poetry and spoken word gig – is back! This time we’re excited to announce that it’s pitching up at Crouchie’s legendary music and comedy venue Downstairs at the Kings Head.
The first gig features Otiz Cannelloni, Alan Wolfson, Brian Luff and a fantastic line-up of guest poets including Poetcurious, Abe Gibson and Milverton Wallace. There’ll also be open mic spots if you fancy getting up and sharing a little poetry of your own (I’ll be doing just that!)
Tues 26 March 2019. Doors 8pm. Tickets on door £9/£8 concs.
Advance booking (recommended) £7/£6 concs.

Book online
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Forthcoming Friggers gigs at

Downstairs at the Kings Head:
Tues 26th March 
Tues 30th April 
Tues 28th May 

The ‘Bungling Telephonist’

I once did a very ditsy thing

Live on national TV

Lived up to my blonde highlights

For all the viewers to see

Talking Telephone Numbers

Was in question the game

And in massively screwing up

I almost made my name

Wracked with intense stage fright

At busting my cherry on telly

I royally f****d up

And my pants got really smelly

I made an expensive mistake

When answering the phones

On what was a roll over week

Crowning the first ‘winner’ of this new show

Twenty Thousand Smackers

Given to the wrong bloke

All that lovely dosh

Veritably up in smoke!

Now the notorious

Number 85

Was living in peril

Fearing being skinned alive

No choice but to fess up

To Mr Celador, Paul Smith

The producer and creator

An important man, no s**t!

I was quaking in my platforms

When I gingerly pulled him aside

Fearing that I’d be given

For sure my P45

But instead he stifled a giggle

Told my 18 year old self he knew

Told me not to be afraid

And that Schofield would forgive me too!

Told me to take it to my grave

And do my very best

To never ever tell a soul 

But some b*****d leaked it to the press!

I had to go into hiding

I did a very good job

They never tracked me down

Though they tried and failed, thank God

And the saga made it into Bizarre

The column in The Sun

As written by Andy Coulson

Who ribbed me like a good ‘un

Deemed me ‘The Bungling Telephonist’

Brainless between the ears

Notwithstanding the fact

The beneficiary was now rich but ‘in tears’

Said he couldn’t enjoy

His winnings knowing it was a blunder

So he’s pictured cracking open the champers

With a face semi-smug yet like thunder!

And what of I?

Number 85?

How did things pan out for me?

Well I kept my trap shut 

(Until now at least)

But Schoey never did forgive me 😦