Good evening everyone
From the bottom of my heart
But pardon me
If I happen to fart
Only yesterday
I had a colonic
And ever since it happened
I’ve been trumping something chronic
Apparently this treatment
Is the answer to my prayers
Aside from the fact
It brought to my eyes tears
A jet wash was inserted
Deep into my rear
And then my arse was lambasted
With water which was queer
A very odd sensation
Uncomfortable too
Like white water rapids
Are raging inside of you
In did it pour
Til I was quite inflated
It seriously gave me cramps
I felt far from constipated
The opposite in fact
Was the desired effect
And intermittently
Did I begin to detect
Through the looking glass
That was trained on the tube
Protruding from my rectum
Little bits of poop
Floating away
Into the abyss
I didn’t know how to feel
Other than physically sick
But apparently this was good
And now internally I was cleansed
I prayed it was over
But she repeated it again
This time using a concoction
Of liquid and herbs
Like I was a teapot
Brewing something hideous
And Lo and behold
What goes up must come down
And once again I passed
Lots of stuff that was brown
Duped was I into thinking
That that was quite enough
But it wasn’t over yet
For she had to pull the plug
And remove the hose pipe
Once and for all
Basically unleashing
Niagra Falls!
I just about had time
To leg it to the Salle de Bain
Before the heavens opened
And a torrent engulfed the can
Now I know what inspired
The phrase ‘to have the squits’
I squitted for half an hour
I must have been full of it!
Whence it all came
I will never know
But apparently I’ll need
Another session in a week or so
And then my tummy
Again will be flat
I’ll lose two stone at least
And diamonds will be shat
For I’ve been purified
From the inside out
It cost me a fortune
But my bowels are in no doubt
That they are pristine
And gleaming like the sun
Which I can now with conviction say
Shines right out of my bum!
Rachel Rhodes 