Steaming Hardcore

Unbelievably I was just offered


My ‘WTF?!’ expression

Shows I’ve no concept of its meaning

But I sure as hell don’t intend

To suspend my little miff

Over a pan of boiling water

If you get my drift?!

I’ve never been good at squatting

Even whilst in Japan

Those Asian loos defeated me

I fell straight into the can

So don’t even think about

Asking me to hover

Over a contraption

That will get me hot and bothered

Right where the sun don’t shine

In a ritualistic fashion

Surrounded by a ring of hippi’s

Who’ll be watching me and chanting

Whilst I apparently perch

On a floral-bedecked commode

Filled with liquid and herbs

With my legs akimbo

My foo-foo now on fire

As it naturally begins to cook

Til I can’t sit down for a month

Without screaming as loud as fook!

Who the hell invented?

This ridiculous New Age game?

It gives another dimension

To the entire vaping craze

How addicted must one be

To nasty nicotine?

If one’s mouth and also one’s


Needs a hit or three?


Are you out of your mind?!

My labia aren’t legumes

To be served with butter and thyme

If your ‘yoni’ is that filthy

That soap and water won’t do

And it needs industrial cleaning

Combined with magic too

To make it pristine again

At least spare us the spectacle

Of doing it in public

It’s just not acceptable

To contaminate my newsfeed

With such a load of trash

Expecting me to cough up

For an assault like this on my gash

I’d probably never recover from

And certainly never live down

What exactly do you take me for?

You ‘right on’, crazy clown!

Normally I love

A bit of alternative s**t

I sometimes talk to unicorns

But this just takes the p**s

So thank you but no thanks

Though I’m all for Flower Power

I’ll maintain the hygiene of my flaps

When I am in the shower.

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