The ‘Bungling Telephonist’

I once did a very ditsy thing

Live on national TV

Lived up to my blonde highlights

For all the viewers to see

Talking Telephone Numbers

Was in question the game

And in massively screwing up

I almost made my name

Wracked with intense stage fright

At busting my cherry on telly

I royally f****d up

And my pants got really smelly

I made an expensive mistake

When answering the phones

On what was a roll over week

Crowning the first ‘winner’ of this new show

Twenty Thousand Smackers

Given to the wrong bloke

All that lovely dosh

Veritably up in smoke!

Now the notorious

Number 85

Was living in peril

Fearing being skinned alive

No choice but to fess up

To Mr Celador, Paul Smith

The producer and creator

An important man, no s**t!

I was quaking in my platforms

When I gingerly pulled him aside

Fearing that I’d be given

For sure my P45

But instead he stifled a giggle

Told my 18 year old self he knew

Told me not to be afraid

And that Schofield would forgive me too!

Told me to take it to my grave

And do my very best

To never ever tell a soul 

But some b*****d leaked it to the press!

I had to go into hiding

I did a very good job

They never tracked me down

Though they tried and failed, thank God

And the saga made it into Bizarre

The column in The Sun

As written by Andy Coulson

Who ribbed me like a good ‘un

Deemed me ‘The Bungling Telephonist’

Brainless between the ears

Notwithstanding the fact

The beneficiary was now rich but ‘in tears’

Said he couldn’t enjoy

His winnings knowing it was a blunder

So he’s pictured cracking open the champers

With a face semi-smug yet like thunder!

And what of I?

Number 85?

How did things pan out for me?

Well I kept my trap shut 

(Until now at least)

But Schoey never did forgive me 😦

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