Ring Burn

When I wedged the stupid thing on

Never knew it’d get stuck fast

Was trying to be stylish

Not induce a life or death dash

To the emergency room

When the soap and fairy liquid failed

And my poor damn finger turned purple

Swelled up and caused me to wail

I had to dial 111

They told me there was no hope

Unless I went to A&E

To get it sawn off – I swear, no joke!

Thus off I went

In the dead of night

It was pouring down

But I needed out of this plight

With a throbbing, fat finger

I arrived at The Whitt

Registered at reception

Was undoubtedly deemed a twit

Sat in the waiting room

For what seemed an eternity

But this penance had to be endured 

If my finger was to be freed

From it’s nickel shackle

That squeezed and nipped and pinched

From the allergic reaction

That caused it to blister and itch

When they finally called my name

And I sheepishly met the nurse 

She almost fell about laughing

At this mishap that evoked her mirth

But she ushered me through

Quickly anyway

To an operating theatre

Where to my dismay

I clocked an array of tools

That scared the life out of me

Metal cutters, chainsaws and knives 

Sharpened beyond belief!

Wielding them

She grabbed my hand

Clamped the offending

Fake gold band

Yanked and sliced

Wrenched and stretched

Prised that bastard apart

As I screamed and wept

Until the foreign body 

Was completely broken off

And my poor little finger could breathe 

Unencumbered by that sod

Oh how it f*****g hurt!

How it singed and it burned!

It felt like being dismembered

But thankfully my digit remained

 Oh, hallelujah!

Did I then sing 

They had succeeded 

In removing the ring!


They’d saved my life

And rescued me

From this particular strife.

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